Nothing in life prepares you for death

My mother in law’s sister’s husband passed away on Monday and though it was no one close, strangely I felt as close to death as I have ever in my life. This despite the fact that I lost my father when I was 18 and have seen how it disrupts life (though briefly). We were back in college (me) school (my brother) and at work (my mother) on the third day after my dad passed away. Too much was happening too fast for us to be away for all those 13 days for indulgences in all rituals and customs and besides I have never been the one for observing them. A person has died, let him be and let me grieve in my own way (which is away from people and privately).

Looking back at our lives we did an amazingly good job. It is truly a
miracle that we survived on 1200 rupees that my mother earned in 1989. The absence of my dad did intrude once in a while but really, we were just busy getting on. My point is, you might have overcome the harshest challenges that life throws at you, you might have come out the darkest tunnels a survivor and yet nothing prepares you for death, that final separation, never to meet again the person you have spent your life with- spouse, parent, sibling, children and friend (have I missed anybody here?)
It is grief mixed with a complete dead-end kind of a feeling. What do I do now had I suffred a similar loss? Should I wake up? Have my tea, go to the gym, do my chores, work, surf the net, travel a bit? I have no idea. I am trying to be in the shoes of the person who lost her husband at the age of 83 and I am lost. I just cannot imagine.

All the books that I have read, films that I have watched or the conversations that I have had with my walking buddies and friends do not give me the slightest idea on how I would deal with this blow. Today’s post has no conclusion. It has no answers or suggestions. I guess it is for each one to find it for himself or herself. AND I am in no hurry either!